Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
