my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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