And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
