Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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