I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
