My first STD was from a foam party
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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