All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
