my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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