Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
