I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You left your phone here
Wait...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
