Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
