"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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