When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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