On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
