FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
