Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
