he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
