I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
