I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize