the new term for farting is butt boxing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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