i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
