yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
