peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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