So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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