I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
