she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
