She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
