Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
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