I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize