made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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