A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
