I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
