totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
