Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
