why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
