My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
