it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
