??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
