Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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