Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
