Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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