yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I intend to get homeless drunk
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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