if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
her vagine was all disorganized.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
