Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
