Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
