the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
