Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
