Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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