Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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