There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
