saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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