i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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