Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
pop tarts are not kleenex
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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