I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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