Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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