i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
