True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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