Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
