the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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