i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
sex in a hospital.. check
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
