To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
