i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
