do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
