Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
