Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
