he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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