Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
